Cows In Space

By Bill LaCroix

It should be clear by now that cows are the most intelligent beings on this planet. There can no longer be any doubt about this: that cows have willfully manipulated the human species to do their bidding since the Dawn of Agriculture. And so it only follows that someday, if we continue to allow cows to dominate our decision-making processes, there will be cows on the moon.

I say this with no malice towards cows (Heaven forbid!) or space travel. I simply can't come up with another rational explanation for our collective behavior. We have deconstructed multi-layered forests and annihilated the buffalo to near extinction in order to let the grass grow tall. For cows. We've depleted aquifers and dammed mighty rivers to grow lawns in the desert in order to mimic that singular image we humans have long associated with wealth and well-being: the Overgrazed Pasture. And our political systems seem twisted into mere vehicles for popping cowboys into the highest levels of world power just when we humans need them least. It's a fact that we've pushed the edges of our own survival in order to make cows feel comfortable in the most inhospitable corners of the globe.

O.K., you say. But what about those pointy-toed moonboots? 

Well, since they’re all the rage now, how about a conspiracy theory? One that’s grounded for a change, or at least rivals, in its verifiable audacity, the narrative about a worldwide cabal of Deep-Staters colluding to cheat a geriatric sociopath from another chance at converting America into a fascist dictatorship? Picture this. The genetic material for the modern cow emerges from the riparian muck of Europe and Asia before God decides to invent deserts. After a geologically brief period of adjustment these first bovines lift their noses from the mud and notice a funny-looking, hairless mammal running about the banks and upland areas. They see it doing many things with its hands, which these tubs of intelligence are quick to realize they do not possess. Having grander designs for their progeny than to be stuck in the muck forever, and by methods too intricate and numerous to be recounted here, they attach their fortunes to humans, with spangly results.

As one example of proof, I cite Hindu philosophy, which fermented significantly in the same humid environments from which cows sprang, and to which we can trace all resulting cow-worshipping peoples, including Montanans. Clearly under the influence of superior intellects, Hindus were the first to institutionalize the belief that cows were higher beings than us, since they are so placid and accepting of their lot. In fact it is believed that if you live your human life well, you might be lucky enough to come back as a cow. After all, your basic needs will be entirely taken care of by overworked humans, and you will be free to stand around in the great outdoors, chewing your cud with your neighbors and contemplating your existence. Is it a coincidence that this is the very lifestyle to which so many exurbanites readily aspire? I don't think so.

And although there's nothing in Hindu teachings that speaks to Cow-willfulness, the western rancher who aims curses at the cow who breaks through her fences certainly believes that cows possess free-will. Otherwise she wouldn't cuss at it, because that would be waste of time unless it's assumed that her cows chose to be ornery and are disobeying her wishes because they wanted to. So one only has to combine the righteous anger of the Western Rancher who believes in Cow Purpose with the ancient teachings of a tropical Eastern culture who maintain that their Purpose is holy and Voila! The proof's in the pudding. We've been had.

If you're not convinced, consider the old-time saying that a cowboy is someone who is paid thirty dollars a month to out-think cows. Adjusting for inflation, cowboy wages have remained constant, and on this fact alone one can fairly deduce that watching the back ends of cows for short pay amounts to Worship. The fact that we eat them only demonstrates to what extent their placid pool of purpose has guided their every action since the word 'cattle' was enshrined in The Bible. Indeed, this symbiotic relationship has obviously been an excellent survival tactic for cows.

So where do cows go from here? The moon, of course, and with our help once again. To anyone still in denial about the Power of the Cow, I’d ask them to ruminate for a moment on a couple of facts: that there are astrophysicists as well as Captains of Industry (read: Elon Musk) walking the Earth today who believe it's our destiny to launch human consciousness into the cosmos, (We're Off To See The Wizard), and that, given our mutual histories up to this point, what higher expression of human consciousness can you think of than the Cow? And what's a more logical place for the Cow than our Sister Moon, whose landscapes are not unlike certain overgrazed B.L.M. allotments?

Some sort of vast 'missile defense' system to protect them while they colonize is at least one predictable outcome, and looked at with this Big Picture in mind, I can also safely predict that a sweetheart lunar opportunity for cows will emerge from this whole Billionaires-In-Space thing, which, as I think is quite clear by now to even the most obtuse observer, is merely a reflection of our specie’s collective disregard for the ecological catastrophe we've been engineering these last few thousand years for the sake of cows. 

Or did I miss something?